Ellen Miller got the scoop in an email:
A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science.
The new element has been named Governmentium. Governmentium (Gv) has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons . . . .
It continues from there.